The Hug Page

All of a sudden, I’m feeling really sad and just been crying about everything but weirdly, very sad things, which are the only things making me feel a bit better. I just don’t know why I’m so sad for no reason, I just sat down in my room and started to cry. I don’t know what’s going on, I guess I feel as if life is going too slow and growing up emotionally too fast, I guess. I’m just not sure what to do.

So I think I’m one of the very few people in my school who does not have a phone, and it’s so stupid. Even one of my friends, who I’d LEAST SUSPECT would get a phone (since her parents are pretty strict), got a phone for Christmas! I’m happy for her, but I’m also very jealous. It’s so unfair. It’s so embarrassing to tell people that I don’t have a phone. I feel like some kind of loser or a kid from the 80’s or something, but not in a good way. My mom says that I’m not quite responsible enough to handle, but I’ve watched over my younger brothers like FOUR times without an adult in the house, and absolutely nothing bad happened. And I live in an area where HARDLY anything dangerous or bad happens (like robberies and fires and stuff). My mom also asked me what I’d do with the phone. I said I’d text my friends, listen to some tunes, watch YouTube videos, maybe play some games, and use social media stuff. But my mom said that I shouldn’t be using social media, and then I said that a lot of my friends use it, and they don’t get cyber bullied or anything like that. She just doesn’t understand what the Internet world is like now. It’s all so innocent. While my mom said I’d probably get a phone at the end of the school year, I just don’t wanna wait. It’s upsetting to just go to bed, start to sleep peacefully, and suddenly think to yourself, “I don’t have a phone.” It keeps me up all night with anger and jealousy thinking about it. It’s even upsetting to think about it during normal daytime activities.

Also my dad was forced to quit his job, and he’s looking (well, maybe “looking”) for a job. So now I don’t feel so lucky. Now my dad’s always calling me a jerk and says I’m grumpy all the time, and often mocks me. My brothers do it too, and it drives me freaking insane. I’m all like, welcome to the teenager world, Jimbo. It’s almost as if he wants me to have a perfect attitude and perfect emotions, but of course, it’s IMPOSSIBLE. He also hits me sometimes, along with my brothers, too (as in he hits my brothers too). My mom gets angry with him a lot when he does it, but she doesn’t seem to take any action. I hear them have arguments downstairs about my behavior. My dad claims he’s been reading stuff online about parenting teenagers and I’m all like, you don’t gotta do that, I’m completely fine. And then I’m like, even if there was something wrong going on in my life, there’s no way you’d be able to help me fix it, considering the fact that you hit me and stuff, which makes YOU a big problem in my life. Now I’m starting to realize that I don’t love him anymore. It worries me. I just want things to be back the way they were, with my dad having his old job back and me getting out of this depression state.

And now for some reason, I find myself not eating as much. I eat very little things for breakfast, and the portions of food I pack in my lunch are very small. I also don’t eat snacks a lot anymore. During dinner, almost nothing sounds good to eat, since we mostly eat leftovers for dinner.

Ugh.