How To Get Into StarClan: Ten Simple Rules by Mallowpaw

Mallowpaw lays out the odd trends and exceptions in who StarClan allows into its borders.

The system of StarClan and the Dark Forest is a notoriously consistent, unbiased afterlife for cats, which will fairly decide whether they shall go to a bad or good afterlife. In this article I will give you a perfectly fair and easy way to go to StarClan in the form of a set of rules.

Rule 1: Anything you do is excused if you ‘love too much’

Just tried to murder a mother and her three kits? Well, don’t worry about a thing as long as you simply loved them too much to keep them alive! You see, if you try to mate with a she-cat who leaves you and picks another mate, and has kits with him, it is perfectly acceptable to try to burn all of them alive. After all: your heart was simply too full to do otherwise! So go on with murdering whomever for whatever reason, as long as you do it out of love!

Rule 2: Don’t get mad if your kits die

Just had both of your infant kits murdered by your tyrannous leader? Well, don’t get mad or else you go to the Dark Forest. Look at Brightflower here. She was supposed to go to the Dark Forest because she got mad her kits died. You see, what she should’ve done is just shrugged off their deaths like the champagne problem it was. You can always just have more. It’s such a shame that she was retconned into going to StarClan.

Rule 3: Be abusive and neglectful to your heart’s content

Doesn’t it suck when your son breaks his jaw and looks odd? Yeah, I know it too. You see, it’s a courageous thing to have the strength to do the right thing, which is to shun and ignore him for the rest of his life. If someone looks odd, then they have no right to be treated kindly by anyone. And if your mate thinks otherwise, then they should go to the Dark Forest as well.

Rule 4: Cheating is a perfectly reasonable thing to do

Doesn’t it suck when your mate is just not enough? Well, I have a very reasonable solution for you! Just cheat! Having two mates is a wonderful experience that should be achieved by every cat. And if your new mate had kits, then just remember a wonderful phrase: “Out of sight, out of mind”. Just forget about your new mate and kits and go back to your old mate if she might find out. After all, cats are just playthings that you can play with and forget about at any time.

Rule 5: Don’t get mad if you get injured

There was once a horrible, atrocious cat that we now know as Lilywhisker. Get this: she got mad when she received an unexpected injury that changed her life and made her unable to work properly!? I know, crazy! You see, if you ever get injured and have to retire, you need to be perfectly happy with it. Getting mad shows that you are a horrible cat that deserves the Dark Forest, like Lilywhisker. Ugh, and even worse, she was friendly to everyone in camp and kept her anger to herself. This is the sign of a truly terrible cat who is capable of heinous things.

Rule 6: Appear at least once or go to the Dark Forest

Among the great evils that once plagued the Clans is Marshcloud. This supervillain- no, hypervillain- appeared in the allegiances of one book, but never physically or ever again at all. But what he should have done is appeared more, or maybe he wouldn’t have gone to the Dark Forest where masterminds of evil like him belong.

Rule 7: If you redeem yourself on your deathbed, that is only enough to send you to StarClan if you are a major character

A complicated rule indeed. You see, there was once a ThunderClan leader named Bluestar who went a bit mad into her leadership, and got several cats killed because of it. But she sacrificed herself to dogs to save the rest of ThunderClan. This was enough to grant her a spot in StarClan. But there was another, far more horrendous cat named Juniperclaw who died saving a pregnant queen and her two unborn kits. You know how the warrior code says that you must save a kit in danger? Well, Juniperclaw did this, but you see, there is one main difference between our halo-adorned Bluestar and the true personification of evil himself, Juniperclaw. Bluestar was a major character. Juniperclaw was not. This clear difference in morals and values between the two cats marked a clear distinction between a cat worthy of StarClan and one worthy of the Dark Forest.

Rule 8: If you meant well, anything you do is okay, but only sometimes

Another complication! Well, you see, let’s say you and another cat tried to team up to take over the Clans, as many Dark Forest residents have done before. But you both fail miserably, and then a tree crushes you. Well, an expertly-crafted piece of StarClan logic is that sometimes you can go to StarClan if this or something similar happens to you, but sometimes not (we flip a coin!). A cat once did exactly this and went to StarClan. But our recurring supervillain guest Juniperclaw comes as an example yet again! You see, he did an absolutely atrocious thing once: he made one cat sick! He meant well, trying to win a war for his Clan, but was sent to the Dark Forest on his death anyway because we flipped the coin and got tails, which means Dark Forest. Both of these cats did bad but well-meaning things, but the key difference was the side of the coin that we got, which accurately determines a cat’s moral value.

Rule 9: It’s okay to kill any cat that trespassed on your borders: in fact, it is encouraged!

One thing a truly noble and chivalrous cat does is just murder anyone who, regardless of cause, trespasses on your borders. A desperate kittypet crossed your border looking for help? Leave them for a fox to catch, or even better, kill them yourself! Your own medicine cat tried to get some medicine from your territory for a desperately ill cat? Send your cats to murder them! Your own brother and most cats outside your group disagree with your policies? Easy, start a war and kill any cat you see, even if they helped raise you! And the noble, chivalrous cat you are if you do all of this will get to be one of the five cats who found the Clans and make a lot of important decisions.

Rule 10: If you don’t believe in StarClan, you suffer an extremely miserable and lonely afterlife

It is always a wise and noble thing to do to constantly enforce your opinions onto others and push away any alternate beliefs. The current leader of ShadowClan is an expert at this! We at StarClan Inc. try to do this as much as we possibly can. If you came from outside the Clan and lived with the Clan for most of your life, and helped raise many generations of kits, you still won’t go to StarClan if you don’t believe in it. But you won’t go to the Dark Forest, you’ll go to the Unknown Residence. This is where you wander around as a ghost until you gradually fade away. You can’t interact with anyone else or do anything you used to like doing. Sounds fun, right? Well, that’s the price you pay for not believing in our religion.

I hope you liked these wonderful rules of guidance! Let it steer you down the right path as your journey to becoming the greatest warrior you can be!