The internet is a storm of URLs, wi-fi and strings of dangerous code, whirling and thundering. Out in the wilderness you can only survive so long unaided, but in here, behind the mellow yellow windows, a safe and comforting place awaits. This place is a respite from the internet; the fire crackles invitingly and alluring rainbow-coloured drinks are poured into glasses. Exciting chatter fills the rooms from tables bustling with friends, eating from trays of warm, rustic carum bread and hearty stews. Gentle music comes from the band in the background.
[image description: a busy tavern lit by orange light]
Come in, chat away, have a great time! The old location may have been overrun by the Codekind, but this new building has three-meter thick walls, three floors and turret bedrooms to rest in at the top! We’ve returned, free from the battles of the secret pages! A safe micro-community of equality and no judgement. Hang up your HTML-reflective suit at the door and settle in with a drink and a meal.
Notice Board: Free candy in the bowl on the counter! What types of candy are there? Yes.
“Hello,” says Sunpaw as she greets the waitress. ” I would love a arson pizza please, with an arson coke.” The waiter looks at me skeptically.
” Sorry, but we don’t have that on our menu!”
“What!?” Sunpaw snarls slamming the table with a paw. “No arson! This calls for some arson doing. We’re gonna burn things down with vengeance and this is because of YOU!”
“Who is we?” asks the quite snobbish waitress.
HELP ME guys, are we going to band together and defeat an arsonless world with arson? Who is with me?
“I CAN HELP WITH THE ARSON!” Flamepaw says in a singsong voice as she proceeds to light a pizza and soda on fire. “Beautiful,” she says as she gives it a chef’s kiss. “ARSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Thank you bestie!” acknowledges Sunpaw. She raises a glass for toast. ” Now, let’s burn this restraunt down. Toast to ARSON!!!!!!”
“YES A TOAST TO ARSON!!!” she yells as her Hamilton-wired brain starts going bonkers, the lyrics of Satisfied deafening. “ARSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“To arson!” Sunheart shouted from her seat at the bar.
“Well NOW The Story of Tonight is stuck in my head!” Flamepaw exclaims as she lifts her cup of Arson Juice. “But I love Hamilton, so who cares?! TO ARSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I SHALL UNITE WITH THE ARSON AVENGERS!” Shouts Icemeadow, excited he gets to name another team after the Avengers.
“I WILL HELP YOU DESTROY THIS WORLD BECAUSE THEIR IS NO ARSON FOOD!!!” Hazypaw immediately screeched once the words came out of Sunpaw’s mouth.
She then steals some bread, puts some of her special arson sauce that she had created herself and ate it.
“HOW DARE THEY NOT HAVE ARSON FOOD, IT’S DELICIOUS!” She screeched, breaking everyone’s ears for the third time this week.
*The bartender’s name is Jimmy*
“I WILL HELP!” Wolfpaw shouts scrambling up to the counter and tripping over a few cats in the process. “I GOT THE DYNAMITE!” He yells. “All we need is fire! Who’s got a flamethrower?”
“I’VE GOT A FLAMETHROWER!!!!!!!” Flamepaw yells, knocking over 12 different people just to run over to Wolfpaw and set the dynamite on fire.
“YESSS!” Wolfpaw screeches in an unholy way. “THE LORD OF ARSON FLAMESPIRIT HAS GIVEN WAY FOR ARSON TO RULE TO LAND!” He watches with a grin on his face as the dynamite explodes, destroying tables, chairs, everything, as cats scramble to get out of the way. “ARSON SHALL PREVAIL!”
“Hazypaw runs up to join the two. “YES, ARSON SHALL PREVAIL!” She agrees.
Scorchmist opens the door, a crack of lightning illuminating her figure. She smiles a crooked, insane smile. All eyes are on her. She draws her lightsaber and gives it an experimental swipe. A table crashes to the ground, a jagged, smoldering cut running through it. The drinks that previously stood on it clatter to the floor, bursting into flames. Scorchmist watches the flames spread, doing nothing. Her maniacal laughter echos through the Hazelplace. “I’m back,” she whispers through her fangs.
“Love the arson!” Flamepaw calls with a grin as she uses her favorite flamethrower to set everything on fire. “Welcome back, Scorchy!!”
“Welcome back, scorchy!” Icemeadow says.
“Welcome back, scorchy!” Icemeadow says. “Love the Lightsaber.”
“Welcome back!” Hazypaw says cheerfully. “Do you have an extra lightsaber I could use? My other one got hit by an astroid on my last trip to mars.”
“THE MAGICAL BLADE OF ARSON.” Sunheart drops her drink in shock. “This about does it for me. FLAMESPIRIT OUR DEAR AROSN LORD MAY I INGAGE ON ENGULFING THE BARTENDER IN FLAMES?”
Viperfrost gasped from the corner. “WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?”
“WHY OF COURSE SUNNY BUT YOU REALLY DIDN’T NEED TO ASK!!!” Flamepaw yells. “WOOHOO I LOVE YOU GUYS THIS IS AMAZING AND I LOVE THIS ARSON SO MUCH!!!!!!!!”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Sunheart maniacally laughed as she watched the bartender be swallowed by the flames spat by her flamethrower.
“Nice lightsaber, love the laughter. Needs some work though.” Wolfpaw says. “By the way, do you have a flamethrower by any chance?” He asks.
“Needs work? In the olden days of the Hazelpage, this would have a perfect entrance! The smoke from the excessive arson must be getting to the heads of these younglings!” She exclaims.
A new cat, one no-one recognizes, suddenly appears from the shadows.
“You are doing it wrong,” she hisses. She takes out a weird medallion with a tornado made of flames on it. “You need Arson, but Air!”
She carefully takes out a white spray bottle that says ‘Arson, but Air!’ on it in capitalized letters. She carefully sprays the medallion, which starts shining brightly. She launches it into the center of the silent room, and it erupts into a tornado of flame.
“That’s better!” she screeches. “DESTROY, MY BEAUTIFUL ARSON!”
(sorry if I’m interrupting anything, feel free to ignore this comment)
(lol this should be renamed the arson roleplay page)
Flamepaw blinks at the fire tornado. “Well, that is absolutely gorgeous. You are a genius.” she grins at Dawnpaw, whose name she knows because of her magic arson powers. “You wanna join the arson cult? Wait wait wait I did this wrong; Aaron Burr was supposed to be here and you were supposed to talk to him or whoever I TOLD TO SHOW UP, and then me and the arson gang were supposed to appear, singing our own versions of Aaron Burr, Sir. But I guess we’re too chaotic for that,” she sighs. “Anywho, here’s a flamethrower!!” she says gleefully as she hands Dawny a flamethrower.
“Thank you, Flams!” Dawnpaw catches the flamethrower and looks it over, then sprays it with the spray again.
“Here, you can have it back!” she says and throws Flamepaw back the flamethrower. “I would love to join the Arson Cult, yes! is there official merch? Can I get a T-Shirt?” She asks, takes another medallion, sprays it, and throws it in the kitchen.
“I heard the oven didn’t work, here is a replacement!” she squeals gleefully.
“Y’know, T-shirts would be a really great advertisement thingy.” Flamepaw ponders. “And, I dunno, hats, jackets, oh, I know! ARSON CULT-BRAND FLAMETHROWERS!!! YES THAT’S WHAT WE NEED THANKS FOR THE GENIUS IDEA DAWNY!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“No No, Dawny, you don’t need a T-shirt, you need hot dogs!! And yes, we have arson hot dogs!” Hazypaw barged in out of the arson.
“Also, NICE ARSON TORNADO YOU HAVE THERE!!”
“Wait I just had the best idea ever…”
“ARSON WHIRLPOOL!!”
Hazypaw then makes a mysterious thingy, throws the thingy onto the sealing and an arson whirlpool appears, helping the tornado burn everything in sight.
“Chaos is amazing.”
“Y’KNOW WHAT WOULD GO BEST WITH A ARSON TORNADO? AN ARSON WHIRLPOOL!”
she watched a random arson whirlpool appear and destroy everything in sight.
“Ah yes, chaos.”
“You know, I think soon we’re going to need a new Hazelpage Tavern. This one will soon be burned to the ground with the arson tornados, whirlpools, and Arson Cult-Brand flamethrowers! I’m going to start burning the garden!” Dawnpaw says, staring excitedly at the burning flames. She made a path to the doorway using her magical Guster/Aerokinesis powers to get out of the burning room.
She steps out, wilting without the burning embers flying. She takes a deep breath, and sprays another medallion with both her spit, her powers, and the spray she had taken out with her powers at the same time. She throws the tornado medallion into the blooming garden, and cringes slightly at the smell of burning plants.
How can Flamepaw and Hazypaw get used to the smell? she thought.
“DESTROY!” she screeched instead, and added her wind to the mix to make the flames burn the garden faster. Harder.
“OOOH I’LL HELP!” Hazypaw yowls.
“Also, I can read your thoughts. I am immune to the smell because I was born for arson, so I was born with an immunity to the smell of smoke.”
she then helps Dawny burn the plants and eventually moves to burning the outsides of the hazelpage, because she wants to burn EVERYTHING SHE SEES.
“Wait… that gives me an idea… LAZER EYES.”
“Hi!” Icemeadow greets dawnpaw. “Nice tornadoes. Could I borrow some?”
“Sure!” Dawnpaw mewes, and hands Icemeadow a mini spray bottle and three tornado medallions. “Use it for go-I mean ARSON!”
Solarpaw, a new cat, ducks under the arson and walks over to the waitress. “‘Scuse me, what’s going on here?” She asks, lifting an eyebrow.
“It’s the arson. They’re burning the place.” The waitress shakes her head, shivering despite the suffocating heat.
“Oh,” Solarpaw pauses, unsure of how to form her reply. Finally, she asks, “who?”
The waitress points at all the others, dancing around in the flames, laughing madly. She blinks. “Oh. That probably should’ve been obvious.”
She chuckles. “Yeah, probably.”
“Oh well hi Sols!! I’m glad you decided to join in on the fun!” Flamepaw smiles as she pokes her head out of the smoke and fire. “You wanna join?”
Solarpaw grins wickedly, holding up a match. “Of course i do!”
“HI SOLS WANNA JOIN THE MAGNIFICENT ARSON WE HAVE HERE? WE EVEN HAVE A FEW DRAGONS AND SOME BLUE FIRE IF YOU WANNA BE FANCY. AND THIS RANDOM CREATURE I CREATED CALLED A FLAMEGO! OH AND ALL THE FIRE TYPE POKEMON IN EXISTENCE.” Hazypaw yowled from the fire and chaos.
She stares at Hazy and the blue flames, the match still in her paw, and her grin widens. “This is going to be fun.”
“Yup.” Hazypaw agrees, grinning.
“Arson for you, and arson for you,” Sunheart sung as she took a candle and lit the bystanders on fire. “I adore arson. It’s like a dangerously hot anger management. I wonder when I’ll start being wanted on Venus-“ she was cut off by a suddenly hot feeling on the tips of her ears.
She whipped around, enraged, and singled out the thing that set her ears aflame. She huffed, and smoke came out of her nostrils. “YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.” she growled, then charged.
“What do you MEAN arson’s dead to you?” Flamepaw cries. “Either you get used to the burn-y feeling, or you develop magical arson powers like I have that makes you immune to fire.” she shrugs.
“Arson will never be dead to me, but the people that commit arson on me will be.”
“Ah, that makes sense,” Flamepaw clarifies. “Anyways, back to arson!! Toodles!” she says as she commits arson once more.
Sunheart cleared her throat, then got back to the arson. “FEAR ME PEASANTS, FOR I WIELD THE BURNING BLADE OF ARSON!!!!!!!!!” she screeched as she ran vertically up a wall and hopped into a vent.
You could her the crackling of flames and the scratching of claws as she climbed through the vent. All of a sudden, her blade pierced through the vent, and she cut a perfect circle out of the ceiling. The piece of ceiling fell down to the ground, the edges on fire. Sunheart lunged down and landed in the middle of the circle, the flames sparkling in her bright hazel eyes. The starry night sky was exposed through that hole in the roof, and the moon casted an eerie light upon the tavern frost. Sunheart flung her head back and laughed maniacally.
Dawnpaw, as usual, took a medallion and sprayed, though this time, she threw it on Sunheart.
“FLAMEPAW IS THE ARSON MASTER, NOT YOU!” she screeched, and the perfect circle-and Sunheart-caught aflame.
“Aww, you’re too sweet, Dawny!” Flamepaw beams while committing some arson.
Sunheart screeched as she was lit aflame. She spun around and lunged at Dawnpaw. The two cats tussled around the tavern for a minute. She lit Dawnpaw on fire, and from afar it simply looked like a two balls of fire were rolling around the tavern.
Oops it posted my non-edited :/
Sunheart shivered as she was lit aflame. “THAT ALL YOU GOT?” she spun around and lunged at Dawnpaw. The two cats tussled around the tavern for a minute. She lit Dawnpaw on fire, and from afar it simply looked like a two balls of fire were rolling around the tavern.
“Nope!” Dawnpaw laughed, and pushed off all the flames with her Guster/Aerokinesis powers. She took out the ARSON, BUT AIR! bottle, and sprayed on her mouth.
“GRGRGRGAAA!” she roared, and shot an arson tornado from her mouth. And it was right on Sunheart.
“NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF ARSON, BUT AIR!” she yowled.
“IMMA RE-QUOTE YA RIGHT NOW, FLAMEPAW IS ARSON LORD, NOT YOU!” Sunheart used her arson powers to rebound the arson-nado back at Dawnpaw. She ran up to Dawnpaw and slapped her multiple times with the cheese. “Hehe…”
“You can have anything you want, the only thing you can’t have is arson cheese.” Hazypaw said simply, taking a piece of arson cheese and smacking Sunheart with it.
Sunheart slapping hazymist back with the cheese. The two of them took turns slapping eachother. “This is fun, not gonna lie. You’ve made an excellent product.”
“yes.” Hazypaw agrees, slapping Sunheart.
“Sunny vented…” Icemeadow remarks. “Very sus indeed.”
“Yes… He is the imposter… AND YOU ARE TOO!”
“WHO CARES ABOUT LIGHTSABERS AND DRAGONS? ALL YOU NEED IS A BIT OF ARSON CHEESE. ARSON CHEESE IS A GREAT SMACKING TOOL, AND I HAVE AN INDESTRUCTIBLE PIECE THAT IF YOU YELL ‘ARSON CHEESE’ IT STARTS SHOOTING FIRE AT EVERYONE! SO GET YOUR ARSON CHEESE TODAY AT HAZYPAW’SARSONCHEESE.COM!” Hazypaw yowled. She then took the indestructible arson cheese and started burning the hazelpage with it.
“I LIKE CHEESE!” She yowled and threw a regular piece of arson cheese at a random cat nearby.
“Can I have a piece? I couldn’t get to hazypaw’sarsoncheese.com, I don’t have fandom,” Dawnpaw shouts to Hazypaw through the crackling of the flames. “Hope I can, because I’m soon going to start burning the Tavern, and this will help! It’s still not even close to my ARSON, BUT AIR! tornado, which is also my sponsor for The Curse of StarClan!” Dawnpaw smirks, and continues burning the Hazelpage and Sunheart.
“It’s not supposed to be effective, it’s supposed to be funny!” Hazypaw said.
“Also, I like cheese.” Hazypaw added as she slapped Dawny with her Arson cheese.
“Gosh, that is beautiful, you guys!” Flamepaw says as she glances at the arson cheese. “ARSON and CHEESE! Who would’ve thought?”
Also btw I literally made Hazypaw’sarsoncheese.com. it’s on the fandom if you wanna check it out!
“I’d buy some, but I’m afraid I burned my computer.” Icemeadow tells hazypaw.
Roselet walks in to the Hazelpage, suprised at how much has changed over the months. There wasn’t this much arson the last time I was here, she thinks, dodging the arson cheeseburgers thrown at her.
Along with the arson cheeseburgers, Hazypaw started throwing arson cheese at her. She then slapped random cats in the area.
Flamepaw gasps from where she’s committing arson currently. “RAINIE YOU’RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!” she exclaims, placing a flamethrower in her hands. “This one’s specially for you.”
*hands* 😛
Rainbrook takes the flamethrower and starts arsoning the Hazelpage “MWAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA!!!!!”
The door collapses, burning to the ground. Wolfpaw walks in, his gigantic cowboy hat covering most of his face. “Howdy, parders,” he says. He walks up to the bar. “Well, would ya look at that. Bartender’s in flames, very nice.” He looks around. “This place’s got something going for it, eh?” He scans the crowd. “Anyone got a spare flamethrower?”
“HI I DONT HAVE A FLAMETHROWER BUT I GOT SOME ARSON CHEESE! IT’S GREAT FOR SMACKING PEOPLE WITH!” Hazypaw yowled, and without waiting for a response, she smacked Wolfbite with the cheese and then dropped it on they’re head.
“Wow! Lemme try!” she grabbed the cheese and smacked a rando with it. “That was oddly satisfying.”
“I ALWAYS have a spare flamethrower,” Flamepaw grins as she pulls a flamethrower out of her pocket and tosses it to Wolfpaw. “All yours.”
“Arson Cult!” Dawnpaw screeches, and jumps on a barstool. “I know I have no right to say this, as I am not the Arson Cult’s leader, Flamepaw is, but I think we need to move this arson to the Tavern! The Hazelpage is almost completely burned, but the Tavern isn’t! What do you think, O’ Great Arson Lord?” she asks, turning to Flamepaw.
“Technically there’s no Arson Cult leader, it’s basically a huge anarchy, but that’s very kind of you to say I’m the leader,” she smiles. “I think that the tavern is a WONDERFUL place to commit arson, Hazy! COME, MY ARSON FRIENDS!! LET’S BURN DOWN THE TAVERN TOO!!!” she cheers.
Solarpaw’s cheer is drowned out by the cheers of everyone around her. She pumps a paw in the air, following along with the loud, chaotic crowd around her.
Hazypaw runs with Flamepaw and Dawnpaw and the other Arsonators to the Tavern.
“ARSOON!” they yowl and jump right into the tavern and start burning and creating chaos everywhere.
“I love arson,” growls Sunpaw. She bounces on the tavern’s trampoline while committing arson. “Wanna join me on the trampoline?”
She does a double back flip and commits arson while eating arson cheese crackers.
“Hmmm,” Sunpaw ponders, “Fitz Avery Vacker… Ritz Savory Crackers….?”
Yes
https://the-fakemintan-wiki.fandom.com/wiki/Fitz_Vacker,_AKA_Ritz_Cracker
https://the-fakemintan-wiki.fandom.com/wiki/Crackers
https://the-fakemintan-wiki.fandom.com/wiki/Peace_Summit_Cracker_Massacre
read ’em, it’s so funny
Cedarpaw, who hasn’t been to the hazelpage in like a couple years, opens the singed and flaming door just as a stampede of cats knock her over screaming, ” TO THE TAVERN!!” and “ARSON!!!!”
“Hi, Cedarpaw!!” Flamepaw waves as she leads her arsonist comrades to the tavern. “Wanna join us?” she asks as she hands Cedarpaw a flamethrower.
Whirlpool wakes up from her year long nap in the depths of the hazelpage when someone falls on her during the arson riot.
Cedarpaw takes the flamethrower with an evil grin and pull the lever shooting flames high in the air, making chainsaw noises. “Let’s go!” She cries through the fire.
“Ahhhhh!” Sunpaw yells. ” I hate autocorrect! It autocorrected my name to Sundae! How dare you autocorrect! I will arson you!!!” She arsons autocorrect waving her Blastburn Katana.
“Love the arson!!!!!” Flamepaw cheers while committing some arson herself.
“WAIT.”
The three-meter thick door is blown open by a knifing gust of wind, icy rain slicing through the muggy warmth and casual arson of the Hazel Tavern. A sodden dark ginger cat stands in the annihilated doorway, shadows casting on her face and the distinct black stripes all over her fur.
She lifts her head, emerald green gaze piercing through the flames.
“I have come,” Reedpaw whispers eerily, “with the MOST POWERFUL, MOST DESTRUCTIVE, MOST MUST-HAVE WEAPON EVER!”
“What is it?” someone squeaks. The door is consumed in flames, a smoldering hunk of burning wood, and everyone jumps. A drink clatters to the floor.
“It is…” Reedpaw pauses for affect. Then, slowly and tensely, she reaches into a handy satchel that she had dragged along for dramatic effect and whips out a thick, red book. On it are the words DICTIONARY OF FIREY STUFF.
“Let’s see,” she hums, flipping through the yellowing pages. “Pyromania, blaze, holocaust, firebomb…”
Then Reedpaw looks up at the expectant faces gathered around her. “Dear cats, I have found the perfect words for what you do.”
Silence stretches out for a second.
“ARSON!” she declares. The cats around her burst into cheers, politely avoiding pointing out the fact that that was what they had known since they were kits.
“WOOHOO!!!!!” Flamepaw exclaims. “Arson is one of my very favorite-est words ever!!”
“ARSON-IFY THE AUTOCORRECT!!!!”
Cherrypaw casually pops into the burning tavern from the window. “Wait for me!” she cheers, scrambling to grab a flamethrower and accidentally setting herself on fire. “Oh, oops.”
“Here,” says the cat next to her kindly. “You have to hold it like this, with your left paw on the handle and your right paw on the button. Then you can steady it against your side…”
WHOOSH! A plume of fire casually shoots out and singes everyone’s whiskers. “Cool!” Cherrypaw mews. “Let me try that again!” *proceeds to set some fresh-kill on fire*
“Let me try that fresh-kill,” another cat pipes up. She scrambles over and sinks her teeth into the cooked mouse. “Mmm, this is amazing! Hey, guys, come over here and try this!”
And that is how cats discovered that cooked fresh-kill tasted way better than raw.
“Oh wow, this is amazing!” Sunheart picked up a burnt piece of fresh kill and yowled, “ROTISSERIE!!!”
“Hold on!” Reedpaw called. “It’s missing something!” She holds up some arson cheese she got from Hazypaw’sarsoncheese.com and sandwiches it between two flaming voles, taking a big bite and cackling madly with her mouth full.
Cherrypaw slaps her with some arson cheese and a charred tomato. “Food fight!!!” she cheers. The Hazel Tavern erupts into chaos.
Speedy moddo, reveal thyself!!!
*dances and scatters froot loops in my wake*
As one of the ogs, Icy has not been to the Hazelpage in roughly 1.3 billion years.
I had forgotten the arson rules here, so I was greeted by lots of flames. I kinda forgot about that part. I am about to say something, but then I remember this isn’t Twitter.
Where did the freedom of speech laws go?
“What the- dang.”